Our Principles of Weaving

These are not conceived of as separate steps to be taken in order, but as an interweaving system which needs to be practiced as a whole. Sometimes your focus will be on one principle specifically, which is fine. In practice, however, the effectiveness of one will depend on all the others.  

I SELF-VULNERABILITY

This is where it begins and ends, literally, because self-vulnerability is rooted in our body which is born and dies. Our modern culture has a desperate need to restore the "mind-body" connection, which is why you see so many books and courses made about it. For our purposes, what we need from this connection is an ongoing sense of what our embodied emotional response is, and what it is telling us. This is a foundation for trust and for our other principles. We are always getting a whole lot of information from our bodies, and all we have to do is pay attention to it. But we don't. Instead, we try to just think our way through things without the wisdom of the heart, and we become "dishonest" without knowing it. Or, we think that because our bodies feel a certain way, it means that our minds need to feel the same way.

We are not used to being attuned, in tune with our bodies. It's often uncomfortable, and our world tells us that comfort is the best thing. It's messy, and our world tells us that streamlined efficiency is the best thing. It's real, and our world tells us that we can stream away our lives in some detached unreality. The "messages" of our embodied emotions don't make "sense" in the way words do. They just are. But we don't even need to totally make sense of them. We don't need some kind of system to interpret them and crack their codes (although we can reflect on systems like chakras to see if they resonate with us and help clarify our sense of what we feel). We do need to give them space, so that they will inform our thoughts and our lives. Giving them space can be scary, if we have been very overwhelmed by our emotions in the past - practices like yoga, somatic experiencing, guided meditation, or qi gong could help us get to know our bodies in safer contexts. 

Here's an example of how tuning into emotions works: You offer to give someone a ride to pick up groceries. You know them, but they're not a close friend. When they get in the car, you get the sense that they are on strong drugs. Your belly gives you a little uncomfortable pull, and your heart area feels some tightness. If you are tuned into these body signals, you are more likely to respond in safer and more honest ways to the situation. This is especially true if you are in integrity with these emotions - not writing them off or dismissing them, but also not taking them as the only source of information. Integrity means that these emotions are part of the wholeness of who you are, neither ignored nor running the whole show. In this case, the emotions don't say, "Kick this person out of the car," but that could be one response. If you weren't tuned into your emotions, you might not have that response available to you, and you might instead act out of some idea of being "nice” which is inappropriate for the situation.

We call our embodied sensations "emotions" and the way our mind interprets them "feelings." The same emotion could be interpreted as fear or excitement, depending on the person and the context. So we need both our body and our mind to process what's happening. Our emotions are especially good at informing our boundaries in an organic sense, in telling us what our connection is with others, in real-time. Our emotions are "wise," but not always "smart." Sometimes they will give us a feeling of unease that is inappropriate for the situation, or that we will want to stretch beyond. Integrity with our emotions is not seeking comfortable body sensations all the time, it is acting in regard to the information we're getting. 

One important caveat: Sometimes if we’re already dealing with hard feelings and thoughts, tuning into unpleasant bodily sensations could cause us to get worse. At these times, it might be better to avoid deep-diving into our emotions, and instead find helpful self-care activities, do something enjoyable, etc. Distracting ourselves isn’t always the wrong move!  

Our emotions show us our self-vulnerability. They show us that we are only human, living in the real world, in real time. This is the only way for us to really connect with others.

II HONESTY 

Honestly flows from self-vulnerability. Without this, we can think we're being honest when we are actually out of tune with ourselves. This form of honesty can hide a lot of deception, primarily self-deception. Honesty in word alone is a shallow and dangerous thing. We need an honesty which springs from our integrity, that doesn't lie by telling the truth. 

What do we mean by this? For instance, we might have a friend who doesn't help us move to a new apartment like they said they would. We might say, "That's okay, I had enough help." And maybe that's true, everything worked out "okay." But is it okay with us? If we check in with our embodied self-vulnerability do we notice some discomfort, some unease, which at least we can be honest with ourselves about? Have our trust and boundaries with this person been affected? At times like this, it could be also important to pause and check in with ourselves before giving some quick, easy response. 

Of course, there are some basics with honesty in the context of growing our networks. Don't overpromise. Follow through on the things you say you will do, or communicate honestly why you cannot. This will grow trust. 

Stretching into honesty is not trauma dumping, it's not saying everything on our mind all the time. Our evolving boundaries with a person will tell us more about what to say. In the above example with the apartment move, we might not need to explain to this person exactly how we felt about them not showing up. Maybe we just say, "Bummer." Generally, closer relationships ask us to reveal more, as revelation takes time and energy. Sometimes the best response is no response. There are no rules. 

III TRUST

We are entering a world where trust will be extremely important. We need relationships that we can depend on, that aren't AI-generated social media content. That aren't vague ideas of inclusion and togetherness which only vanish like a mist when trouble comes. We cannot rely on large institutions to care for our every need. They might help us at times, but we cannot put our faith in them. What we need and what we truly want are the life-sustaining, nourishing, joyful connections with people we know and trust. People we meet face-to-face. No one else is coming to save us.

Sometimes someone says, "Don't you trust me?" before they have a right to ask this, even when you just met them. As if not trusting everyone means you're a bad person. But trust is two-way. We don't say that trust is earned, but that it is built over time in relationship. Trust is housed in ourselves, built from practicing vulnerability and integrity. Self-trust allows us to trust others, and trusting relationships develop our self-trust. If you don't trust someone yet, it doesn't mean something is wrong. It might just need time.

Trust grows slowly because it is easily damaged. It is good to be careful. Don't overpromise. Follow through on the things you say you will do, or communicate honestly why you cannot. Check in with your sense of self-vulnerability to see if you are being honest, or reflexively creating excuses. Sometimes failing to follow through with something actually opens doors to deeper trust, if a sense of empathy and connection comes out of it. This doesn't mean you have to spill your guts to someone every time you can't do what you told them you would - you also need to check in with your self-vulnerability to know what to share. We want to stretch toward these connections, not force them. 

Likewise, if someone told you they would do something for you, and they don't, it's time to check in with trust and self-vulnerability. If someone was going to give you a ride to pick up medications, and they don't do it and tell you something that feels vague and insincere, this may be a time to seek other connections. Your sense of your boundaries will tell you what to do, as you get better at tuning into them. You might decide to risk trusting someone who has broken your trust before, and we are not saying to never do this either. Everything is a case-by-case situation, and you have to rely on your mind, body, and connections with others to navigate it. 

So, trust is just as much about who you DON'T trust as who you do. More is not necessarily better. What we can always do is recognize the dignity of the other - this is something we can extend regardless of trust. They are human, and they have histories and reasons for what they do or don't do. We can respect them as someone who is trying to get by in the world. 

IV BOUNDARIES 

In the last few years, we've heard a lot about boundaries. Setting them, maintaining them, repairing them. But we've also heard, and experienced, other ways of living out our boundaries. Boundaries are simply our membranes, the places that we meet what is Not Us. Realizing this, boundaries are not always things that we need to set. They can be our natural limits, changing size and shape, sometimes soft and sometimes hard, sometimes warm and sometimes cold. In this way, they are something we tune into, like the emotions that inform our self-vulnerability. They are as much about "yes" as about "no." They tell us the ways we are willing to extend ourselves to meet others. When we live in harmony with these natural boundaries, we can dance with others, creating trust and knowing when to stretch our boundaries a little. 

Sometimes, we find the need to set a hard boundary. We humbly suggest not doing this unless necessary.  This is a more artificial process, when we need something more than our living, fluid boundaries. It creates more "numbness" between ourselves and others, less possibility for connection. When we say to someone, "I have to set a boundary about this," we are creating a wall instead of a membrane. This could be important or even vital. It also means that this person will probably not be in our inner circle of trust. We want to build networks based in close connections, and walls prevent that. 

This might sound alien or in contradiction to what you have been taught. Here's an example to hopefully clarify: You are giving a ride to a friend. They start ranting about politics, in a way that shows you they just want to yell and not listen or dialogue with you. Your self-vulnerability is telling you that you are unhappy with this situation, through your body sensations and feelings. You notice that you are checking out of the conversation in boredom and frustration. Here, there are a lot of choices you could make. One choice could be to say, "I need to set a boundary, and not talk about politics with you." Another could be to say, "I'm noticing that I'm starting to check out of this conversation. I'm interested in your opinion but I'm losing steam. I'd rather talk about something else for a while." The second one indicates your natural boundaries to the other person, without insisting, and it leaves the door open to future negotiation and connection. It's also more vulnerable - you have to stay in conversation. But that's where the rubber meets the road. The other person gets to have their natural boundaries as well, and the two of you can dance together! 

One thing that helps here is curiosity. Being curious about your own boundaries and the other person's, and about the relationship between you, can give you rich sources of knowledge. There is a lot that is said about curiosity vs. judgement, and we invite you to seek that out. 

(Thanks to the writer Hannah Taylor for her work on boundaries which have informed our principles.)

V STRETCH

Making new connections, or deepening them, can be uncomfortable. The word "connection" has a nice warm feel to many of us, partly because we need more of it in our lives. But we don't want to overlook the discomfort of reaching beyond our habits, our emotional safe zones, and our sense of security, in order to weave new bonds with others. This reaching requires a "stretch." Just like when you stretch your body, this kind of stretch takes you into discomfort, but not to the extreme of injury. We don't want to hurt ourselves by extending ourselves, although there will always be some risk. 

If you've ever gone out of your way to help someone and then been "burned," you know about this risk. Sometimes we learn the hard way, and then if we are self-vulnerable and honest, we can take this lesson to heart without shutting down completely, without giving up on trust altogether. We can use this experience to learn how to reach out more effectively, with attention to our boundaries. Likewise, if we are emotionally vulnerable and honest with someone, we might be hurt if they don't respond in kind. This is a way to explore the level of sharing that honesty requires - we can at least be transparent to ourselves, and then ramp up our level of sharing towards others as trust develops with them. 

What we need to do, as people re-learning how to grow our networks of trust, is to lean into discomfort. Go one step beyond what feels comfortable. This applies to both giving and receiving. Are you someone who feels uncomfortable asking for anything? Is it hard to meet new people? These are areas of growth to explore. 

After a stretch, we check in with ourselves using self-vulnerability. It doesn't have to feel great right away - maybe there's a little residual discomfort or unease about stretching, which is not bad but just something to notice. With time we can be more discerning about the emotional messages we are getting, and we can also check in with facts of the situation so that we aren't overwhelmed by our emotions. Maybe after helping someone or being helped, we feel a certain discomfort in our stomach, but when we think about the situation carefully, everything went well and it seems like we made a new connection. It wouldn't hurt to keep a journal of these experiences and the emotions which accompanied them, or to discuss them with someone.